Why It Hurts Now, and Not Then

My parents divorced when I was six years old. I moved out with my mom into a new house in the summer between kindergarten and first grade. I don’t think I was truly even aware of what was going on. It didn’t hurt because my mom and dad still lived only a mile from each other. I could ride my bike to my dad’s house at any time. It worked and I still had my parents around.

Then my mom moved me thirty minutes away from my dad when I was fifteen. Then I became aware of what divorce really was. I learned why they divorced. I learned what it felt like for my parents to be truly separate. Then I thought about my parents being grandparents one day. I have grandparents that are still together, Daddy Hayes and Mama Lil. But my kids won’t have that (at least not from my side of the family). It hurts to know that.

The brokenness of my family, the separateness, I can only take it as a lesson learned. I am going to go back to what Leo said in The Vow, “I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.” Marriage is a one-time only deal. I wish I could fix things, but I can’t. And it was powerful to me when someone told me that “it’s not your job to fix the family.” I’ve been trying to put pieces together, but I’m pretty sure that I’m fighting a losing battle. So I can’t dwell on their divorce, I can only take it as a lesson learned.



My parents' wedding in 1987



The End, Weddings, and Thoughts on Love

The realization hit me last week that high school is actually almost over. And I thought at the end of it, it would be all sweet and wonderful and great. But you know what? It's actually bittersweet. Bitter being that the security of a mundane routine is no longer. And it's MOSTLY sweet because high school years were rough and I am excited for new life and new beginnings.

I attended my very first wedding yesterday! Jessica and Andrew Parham are in their twenties and they're great. I've watched weddings on the television (from watching Four Weddings on TLC). I've gotta say, it's [naturally] so much different when it's in person and you actually know the people! I never knew much about what marriage was meant to be, and I enjoyed listening to the whole ceremony and what the pastors had to say about it.

I'm going to be all cheesy, but if you've ever seen The Vow, you know how sweet their vows were to each other.
Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.
Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.


What Leo says about fiercely loving in ALL forms stuck out to me. Because you know what? It's hard to love people sometimes. Two things that I love immensely: my dog and my sister. There are times when it's hard to love both of them. When my dog pees on the carpet, when my dog keeps my mom or me up all night because it's storming, when my sister is never on time, when she lets me down; all of those times - it's hard to love them. But just like Leo said, love in all forms, now and forever. I'm not married yet or anything but I know marriage will be hard but worth it.

When Life's Been Busy...

I am well aware that my blog has been pretty dry lately. The fact that I’m home at 5:30 is like a miracle (but not like the one that happened last summer!) I actually have time to sit in my bed, watch some TV, paint my nails, and [of course] write a blog post.

Life’s been busy, full of driving and school and the gym and work and the literary magazine. It’s been too busy, and I find myself never finding time to be with friends or my loved ones. It actually sorta hurts – it’s that FOMO [fear of missing out] feeling. It’s the feeling of surviving, not living. I end my days saying, “phew, I made it through the day,” & I awake to do the same exact non-stop mundane routine. It’s almost like a little piece of my soul is breaking off little by little.

But I am well-aware that this is temporary. 56 days, just 56 days, until graduation. Of those 56 days, 32 of them are school days. My last real school day is June 1. Woot woot! I did my math, so I’ll really have school for 57% of the 56 days I have left. Not to mention, the Literary Magazine will be sent out for printing in two weeks! (which means the next two weeks are going to be busy, busy, busy over in room 219). Let me know if you want a copy! And also my sister will be home on May 4 and she’s going to take over this “job” I have. It’s honestly a pathetic excuse for a job but I’m holding out for a few more weeks because my whole family will basically hate me if I don’t. OH, and plus I finished my PE class TODAY. Literally, I went in there… and I gave back my heart rate monitor and everything! Talk about liberating!!!

Speaking of liberation... I wonder how I’ll feel on June 13 when I’m done FOREVER with high school; the thing with high school is: some of my most unpleasant, horrifying, ugly memories exist during this time; I would never wish my time in high school upon anyone (even my worst enemy). So basically … all I am saying is: don’t be surprised if you see me crying tears of Joy on June 13.

Surviving Senior Year

The moment I wrote that title, I thought, “Oh that’s alliteration!” So anyway, I have precisely 118 days until graduation (I have a countdown app on my phone). But of those 118 days, I only have 70 days of actual school. The beginning of the year was extremely easy (course work wise), and I didn’t feel like I’d ever get that icky thing called senioritis. If second semester was just the same as first, I really wouldn’t be in a bad position right now. But yes, I’m in that bad position with that awful thing called senioritis.

It’s not the senioritis where I just don’t want to do the work because I think, “Oh, I’m in college so I’m done with high school now.” No, it’s the senioritis where you just plan CAN’T STAND walking into the same-old place doing the same-old shit every single day. What has brought upon this huge bout of senioritis is the course work. I was told by hundreds of people, “oh second semester senior year is so easy.” But NO it’s not. Never should I have believed that lie because it’s catching up to me now!

One MAJOR thing that is stressing me out is Online PE. Online PE?? WHAT? I didn’t even know a thing like that existed… until lovely DRHS shoves that crap in my face. And honestly, it’s been a hard transition to move from honors classes to all c-level classes. I’m (mostly) surrounded by kids that are druggies or don’t have ambition or think I’m annoying because I ask questions. It’s truthfully hard for me to learn with surroundings like that! Let’s just say it’s going to be a long and hard next few months. Of course I could just give up right now and most likely remain accepted in all the schools I’ve been accepted to, but I set a goal that I intend on reaching it. My goal is to have all As (online PE doesn’t count… I’ll be satisfied with a D). Last semester I had a 3.88. I mean, I know I’m only taking five classes, but 3.88 looks DAMN good on my transcript.

Nonetheless, the next 118 days will most certainly be the hardest days of my life.

Goodbye 2011, Glad to Never See You Again!

I am quite thrilled that this year, of grief, depression, calamity, is finally over. I think it’s comical that I began the year looking forward to better myself, but that blew up in my face. I started my year with Passion, which was a great experience, and I came back motivated. I look back at the One Word 2011 post, and I said “By the time I know it, December 2011 is going to be here and I wouldn’t have broken anything, and I’ll feel like I have failed.” Well, the only thing that broke was my actual physical body. Plus, I gave up on this word months ago. But do I feel like I’ve failed? Not really; I quite honestly don’t really care that it didn’t work out.

Now I begin to look at the upcoming year, which I’m hoping with my entire soul it won’t turn out as crappy as this year. 2012 will be one of the biggest transition years in my life. I’ll be graduating high school and beginning college, which is both frightening and super exciting. This year I’ll have no one word, no resolution, no goal to reach. I’ll just go about days doing all the mundane life things. And I’m happy with that.

I often wonder, what makes January 1 so special? You still wake up in the same place, doing the same things. I mean I understand that it’s a new year and a resolution is a goal to attempt to better yourself. I mean I can see the meaning in it, but to be completely honest: the last time I attempted to better myself, it ruined my life, plus almost taking my actual physical life. So, I'm in some way scared that some goal I set will again, blow up in my face. I don’t look at the new year as a “new start” because I’ll still be in the exact same place when the sun rises in the morning. I get the “new start” that everyone speaks of is metaphorical and such, but I guess I’m too literal. I’ll just live my life, that’s pretty much it.

"A long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last."

Four Months, Two Days

Four months and two days ago marked the most tragic event in my life, and I find it ironic that I cannot even remember that day. But the repercussions of that day make this calamity tragic. I sit here and wonder why this happened at a moment in my life when I felt absolutely stellar; I came home from vacation with a new outlook. However, my new outlook was smashed to little pieces. But sometimes, life throws curve balls, and life can be unfair.


I had this psychological testing done (a four hour test!) a few weeks ago, and I got the results back yesterday. On most things, I passed average or above average. The things I passed below average on were impulsivity, attention, and the ability of my left-hand. However, my left arm has a separated shoulder so I discount passing below average on that test. The test that tested my attention and impulsivity was a test where a letter popped up, and I had to press the space bar each time a letter came up; however, I couldn’t press the space bar each time an X popped up. That was the most frustrating and annoying test I took throughout the four hours.

Now that it’s been over four months, I often get frustrated that my parents won’t let me drive. I am beginning to drive with my mom in the car, so at least that’s a start. I hope with every ounce of my being that I will be driving again in December. It’s frustrating that I will no longer have an SUV (I’ve always driven an SUV) although we got money from insurance that’s enough to buy another car, but being allowed to drive is the only thing that matters right now. I have to remember that the money my mom got from the insurance probably went to all my medical bills. We got all the receipts today in the mail, so I was allowed to see just how much it cost my insurance and my parents.

My perseverance and patience are most definitely being tested. And I hope one day that it will pay off through all this mess that I am in.

Landlocked Blue - Bright Eyes

18.

Yesterday I turned 18. Legal to: smoke cigarettes, buy lottery tickets, drink in the UK, get pierced, and get tattooed. I only did two of those things on my 18th, get pierced and buy lottery tickets. I spent most of my day with my sister; which was the greatest gift of all. We went to breakfast in the morning. Then we shopped at Target for all the stuff she needs to take back to college. Then we got our nails did. By that point, I was so exhausted. I went home and took a nap until 5:00. I knew there was something up, and I was suspicious the whole day. The evening came, and I was going to dinner with my sister, dad, and mom. I knew that wasn’t the case, considering when we passed The Melting Pot, she kept driving. We kept on driving; then she made a U-Turn. My suspicions were right! Something was up.

I walked into The Melting Pot with high suspicions. My sister and I followed the hostess back into the little private room, where it seemed like a 100 people were! And I really wasn’t expecting that many people to be there. I think there were like twelve. The most surprising person that I wasn’t thinking would be there, Kaitlyn Wilson, who attends Longwood University. I think it’s really cool for her to drive a long way just to have dinner for my birthday. I appreciate her loyalty to me as a friend. When I was in the hospital, she showed up every single day… until my mom asked her to stop! But I can’t forget Teresa and all the other great people that were there. It was great to see the people I can never see anymore due to the license situation.

I didn’t get my license or a puppy like I would have liked. But I had a good night, so that’s alright. My mother did surprise me with two mini horses, which was not expected at all. I didn’t really understand that because I couldn’t get a puppy because I go to college in a year, but I can get two mini horses?? We went to see the mini horses, and they just really weren’t for me. We would have had to build a shelter for them. And the cost of their upkeep is sky high. So that wasn’t worth it to me. I’ve cost my parents a lot this year. And my father is still scared to open the medical bills he keeps receiving.

My day was tiring and good and long, and my night was great.