I know my word. It’s kept coming to mind, and I’ve kept disregarding it. It’s not the right word. It’s not good enough. It’s too hard. I made a list of words that I thought I’d use. This word isn’t even on the list.
Break.
I’m not talking “I’m so tired, I need a break.” I’m talking “Here’s a board, let’s break it into two pieces.” I decided to use this word on the way to school yesterday. My iPod was playing loudly through the speakers on shuffle. A song came on by Something Corporate called “Break Myself.” I listened to the song on repeat until I reached school. Although the lyrics don’t really relate to what I’m trying to do with the word, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that the song made me decide to myself that I would use this word.
My hesitations with this word are in full force. What I’m afraid of is this: I’m going to forget all about it. Even right now, in this moment, part of me wants to forget about this word altogether. It’s hard to actually attest that I want to commit to it. Part of me isn’t even ready to break. By the time I know it, December 2011 is going to be here and I wouldn’t have broken anything, and I’ll feel like I have failed. It’s weird to say “I want to break my life.” That’s not really what I’m meaning. What I mean is this:
Break.
I’m not talking “I’m so tired, I need a break.” I’m talking “Here’s a board, let’s break it into two pieces.” I decided to use this word on the way to school yesterday. My iPod was playing loudly through the speakers on shuffle. A song came on by Something Corporate called “Break Myself.” I listened to the song on repeat until I reached school. Although the lyrics don’t really relate to what I’m trying to do with the word, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that the song made me decide to myself that I would use this word.
My hesitations with this word are in full force. What I’m afraid of is this: I’m going to forget all about it. Even right now, in this moment, part of me wants to forget about this word altogether. It’s hard to actually attest that I want to commit to it. Part of me isn’t even ready to break. By the time I know it, December 2011 is going to be here and I wouldn’t have broken anything, and I’ll feel like I have failed. It’s weird to say “I want to break my life.” That’s not really what I’m meaning. What I mean is this:
Break free. Break habits. Break down walls.
Break myself into something new.
Break myself into something new.
you can do this, olivia. your heart is so there.
ReplyDelete"break free. break habits. break down walls. break myself into something new." POWERFUL. i want that for you, for this year. you can do this.
you can keep the word "break" before you all year. scribble it on your mirror with lipstick. write it on your notebook. put it on the visor in your car. make it a constant prayer on your lips. set reminders on your phone or computer calendar if you have to -- once a month or once every two weeks, reminding you to dedicate a time to journal just about BREAK. ask people you love and trust (who love and trust you) to get involved with you, to ask you about it, to encourage you in it, to pray hard for you.
you're teetering on the edge of this. scared to commit. fearful of failure. lean in, 'liv. lean in and let yourself tumble over that edge. take the leap. BREAKING won't come easy. this first step is proof of that. but you've got this.
you've got this.
and He's got you.
now that you left tumblr I can comment!
ReplyDeletewhat an amazing word, and the right words, because as I read other's posts, I realize that the right word is always HARD for each person, and something in that makes it GOOD.
There will be times when you feel alone in this. But rest assured that there are countless hands that are reaching out to hold yours, and hearts that are praying. Love you girllll
Six months later, Nicole Unice's comment rings so true - there are countless hands reaching out and heart that are praying for you. God is with you and working in and through you! Praying for your healing, Olivia!
ReplyDelete