When All Is Lost

All is left to gain.

These past two weeks haven’t been easy for me. Nothing has gone smoothly. I’ve made bad decisions. I’ve gotten in fights. I’ve had to deal with rocky relationships. I’ve been crying. And throughout these past two weeks I’ve kept this Mat Kearney lyric in my head: When all is lost, all is left to gain.

Some days, a girl can only handle so much; you know what I’m sayin’? I have literally been journaling two to three times a day. I’ve been scribbling down random thoughts during class. They can be as simple as what the person is wearing next to me, or they can be the complexities of how I’m feeling in that moment. It’s important to remember my one word and it’s important to cling to hope.

When I’m confused, when nothing is right, when nothing goes as planned, there is still something left to gain. There is still another day, another try. And when that next day or next try goes as horrible as the other one, whatever. I’ve got another one and another one and another one. When I keep feeling like I’m failing at doing the right thing, maybe I am. But I remember that I am not alone, I have people who care, and most importantly
All is left to gain.

Won't Back Down- Mat Kearney

Invisible Reality

I had this Shakespearean sonnet that I had to write for school. If you don’t know, Shakespearean sonnets are incredibly difficult to write. These sonnets have to be 14 lines, have perfect iambic pentameter, and follow the ABABCDCDEFEFGG rhyme scheme. I was totally not into the whole assignment. I was planning on not even completing it because it was SO difficult. But with some will power, I did it. And I actually like the finished product. And for all of those Shakespeare scholars out there, the iambic pentameter might not be perfect. I call it Invisible Reality:

I’ve seen the world go ‘round but not spoken
All summer I saw trees that grow above
To where the mystery is not broken
If Peace could live, I would see so much love
And often I do seek, for I will find
But why do I aim for a goal so high?
I know the hinderance, for I am blind
There is the fountain that will never run dry
Still I walk with no direction afar
Do I know the true meaning of a life?
Though I don’t find everything bizarre
But why on Earth do we have so much strife?
This life I live but not to be fulfilled
Better World is what I should hope to build

One Day - Matisyahu

Heart and Mind

I think we’re all familiar with the heart and mind issue. Your heart says one thing and your mind says another. I’ve been thinking and journaling a lot about the things that hinder me that I mentioned in my last post. And I figured out where all these hindrances stem from: it’s the whole heart and mind issue.

I’m not stubborn by being obstinate toward others; I’m actually quite passive toward others. The stubbornness is me vs. myself, my heart vs. my mind.
I’m not prideful by ways of saying “I’m better than you.” I am prideful when I believe I can do it or fix it myself.
My don’t-care attitude doesn’t come from not caring for other people. The don’t-care attitude kicks in when I believe something is too hard or too big to conquer.
My laziness isn’t from not wanting to do something; it’s about not feeling like it. Do you get it? Wanting and feeling; Heart and mind? And I usually use my laziness as an excuse for my don’t-care attitude.
My fear isn't the trepidation of where I'm heading. It's about how I'm going to get there.

After a long conversation a few days ago, it clicked a little. Things made a little more sense. It’s heart and mind. It’s about the way I process and about my heart and mind’s reaction.

Yellow Birds and Coal Mines- The Scene Aesthetic