Why It Hurts Now, and Not Then

My parents divorced when I was six years old. I moved out with my mom into a new house in the summer between kindergarten and first grade. I don’t think I was truly even aware of what was going on. It didn’t hurt because my mom and dad still lived only a mile from each other. I could ride my bike to my dad’s house at any time. It worked and I still had my parents around.

Then my mom moved me thirty minutes away from my dad when I was fifteen. Then I became aware of what divorce really was. I learned why they divorced. I learned what it felt like for my parents to be truly separate. Then I thought about my parents being grandparents one day. I have grandparents that are still together, Daddy Hayes and Mama Lil. But my kids won’t have that (at least not from my side of the family). It hurts to know that.

The brokenness of my family, the separateness, I can only take it as a lesson learned. I am going to go back to what Leo said in The Vow, “I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.” Marriage is a one-time only deal. I wish I could fix things, but I can’t. And it was powerful to me when someone told me that “it’s not your job to fix the family.” I’ve been trying to put pieces together, but I’m pretty sure that I’m fighting a losing battle. So I can’t dwell on their divorce, I can only take it as a lesson learned.



My parents' wedding in 1987



The End, Weddings, and Thoughts on Love

The realization hit me last week that high school is actually almost over. And I thought at the end of it, it would be all sweet and wonderful and great. But you know what? It's actually bittersweet. Bitter being that the security of a mundane routine is no longer. And it's MOSTLY sweet because high school years were rough and I am excited for new life and new beginnings.

I attended my very first wedding yesterday! Jessica and Andrew Parham are in their twenties and they're great. I've watched weddings on the television (from watching Four Weddings on TLC). I've gotta say, it's [naturally] so much different when it's in person and you actually know the people! I never knew much about what marriage was meant to be, and I enjoyed listening to the whole ceremony and what the pastors had to say about it.

I'm going to be all cheesy, but if you've ever seen The Vow, you know how sweet their vows were to each other.
Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.
Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.


What Leo says about fiercely loving in ALL forms stuck out to me. Because you know what? It's hard to love people sometimes. Two things that I love immensely: my dog and my sister. There are times when it's hard to love both of them. When my dog pees on the carpet, when my dog keeps my mom or me up all night because it's storming, when my sister is never on time, when she lets me down; all of those times - it's hard to love them. But just like Leo said, love in all forms, now and forever. I'm not married yet or anything but I know marriage will be hard but worth it.