Nashville Got The Best Of Me… Now Time For College

            Spending the weekend with the greatest women I know, Stacie and Nicole, was THE best way to end my summer. I’m not sure where I’d be without these ladies! And I must say, Nashville was a BLAST. From line dancing to hookah to Hard Rock Café to 10-hour car rides, we made some unforgettable memories. We toured MercyMinistries, we drank lots of coffee, we went to Crosspoint Church, and most importantly we had way too much fun.

            And… Nashville got the best of me. I came home with a country song stuck in my head… and country music used to be something I abhorred. And also… believe it or not… I bought a pair of cowboy boots! It’s shocking. But surprisingly I like them, and I’ll wear them (I think).

So... now that that’s over and I move into CNU in 6 days, summer is over. The uncertainty of it all is scary and I’m nervous but still excited, mostly scared and nervous though. I doubt my ability to do well and I doubt my strength to succeed in this world. But I find comfort in knowing that the other 1000+ freshmen are in the exact same boat as me. All I can do is stay positive and keep on truckin’… Nashville DID get the best of me.

An Anniversary

July 12 marks a lot of things for me. It marks basically a whole new something. I was practically dead from July 12 – July 18.  This is sorta like a birthday for me, kinda but not really.

I was at the beach, Kiawah Island, last week with all eighteen members of my family (including a new baby!). Essentially, a week ago last year was the last week that I lived as a “normal” teen and person.  After experiencing our family vacation again, having been through my accident, everything has clarity. Throughout the past year, I was absolutely yearning and pleading for Kiawah to come around again. And it’s so awesome and amazing that I made it! …but now the week is over and the countdown begins again (352 days to go!)

I reflect on the past year, and I’m sure as hell that I went through some earthly-type of Hell. I swear it wasn’t easy to become who I am and what I am today. It took so many doctor appointments and medications and perseverance to be where I am today. It was a struggle, but this whole thing has made me so much better – better at life, better as a person, and I most importantly am more secure in who I am.

Family Photo

Cousin Carly and her baby, Cadyn

the best grandpa, Daddy Hayes!

 One Foot Down - Peter Bradley Adams

you could say that this is fate 


that left you alone standing here 


it's like you've traded the world

for
 a chance, a ship to steer

A Milestone and Reflections

Walking across the Siegel Center stage and receiving my diploma marked a milestone of this girl's life. It’s a definite time of reflection as I look back on the past four years of life, and it’s been a whirlwind for sure! I’ve had good times and some not-so-good.

Freshmen year I was at Steward. As an avid concert-going “emo” kid, I tried hard to be unlike the other roughly 25 girls in my class. Freshmen year is rather hazy to me now, but all I can clearly remember is the fact that I wore the same shoes EVERY single day.

Sophomore year, I was simply low and disheartened. I made a mistake that impacted the rest of my high school career. And at this time in 2009, I met my best friend (even though she’s 16 years older than me!) and second-mom, Nicole Unice. This woman helped me though the next three years filled with turbulent realities and emotions.

Then came junior year, and at this point, the downturn economy spurred the move to public school. After being in a bubble of safe and secure, I was thrown into a school with 2000 students. It was terrifying and intimidating, yet so entirely beneficial. Although thrown into an experience with so many uncertainties, I learned so much that will forever benefit my future. I believe that public school gave me a much better understanding of “real world.”

Finally came senior year, which was a challenge to say the least. School started less than 2 months after my car accident and traumatic brain injury. I was in and out of doctors’ offices almost weekly up until December. And I’d say that August-December were so incredibly difficult. I can remember late night phone calls with Nicole, pouring my heart out about the pains and burdens that came with my brain injury, most notably not being allowed to drive. But I’m here today on June 13, diploma in hand!
I am sure different than I used to be, but I am far from who I'm meant to be.

Why It Hurts Now, and Not Then

My parents divorced when I was six years old. I moved out with my mom into a new house in the summer between kindergarten and first grade. I don’t think I was truly even aware of what was going on. It didn’t hurt because my mom and dad still lived only a mile from each other. I could ride my bike to my dad’s house at any time. It worked and I still had my parents around.

Then my mom moved me thirty minutes away from my dad when I was fifteen. Then I became aware of what divorce really was. I learned why they divorced. I learned what it felt like for my parents to be truly separate. Then I thought about my parents being grandparents one day. I have grandparents that are still together, Daddy Hayes and Mama Lil. But my kids won’t have that (at least not from my side of the family). It hurts to know that.

The brokenness of my family, the separateness, I can only take it as a lesson learned. I am going to go back to what Leo said in The Vow, “I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.” Marriage is a one-time only deal. I wish I could fix things, but I can’t. And it was powerful to me when someone told me that “it’s not your job to fix the family.” I’ve been trying to put pieces together, but I’m pretty sure that I’m fighting a losing battle. So I can’t dwell on their divorce, I can only take it as a lesson learned.



My parents' wedding in 1987



The End, Weddings, and Thoughts on Love

The realization hit me last week that high school is actually almost over. And I thought at the end of it, it would be all sweet and wonderful and great. But you know what? It's actually bittersweet. Bitter being that the security of a mundane routine is no longer. And it's MOSTLY sweet because high school years were rough and I am excited for new life and new beginnings.

I attended my very first wedding yesterday! Jessica and Andrew Parham are in their twenties and they're great. I've watched weddings on the television (from watching Four Weddings on TLC). I've gotta say, it's [naturally] so much different when it's in person and you actually know the people! I never knew much about what marriage was meant to be, and I enjoyed listening to the whole ceremony and what the pastors had to say about it.

I'm going to be all cheesy, but if you've ever seen The Vow, you know how sweet their vows were to each other.
Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.
Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.


What Leo says about fiercely loving in ALL forms stuck out to me. Because you know what? It's hard to love people sometimes. Two things that I love immensely: my dog and my sister. There are times when it's hard to love both of them. When my dog pees on the carpet, when my dog keeps my mom or me up all night because it's storming, when my sister is never on time, when she lets me down; all of those times - it's hard to love them. But just like Leo said, love in all forms, now and forever. I'm not married yet or anything but I know marriage will be hard but worth it.

When Life's Been Busy...

I am well aware that my blog has been pretty dry lately. The fact that I’m home at 5:30 is like a miracle (but not like the one that happened last summer!) I actually have time to sit in my bed, watch some TV, paint my nails, and [of course] write a blog post.

Life’s been busy, full of driving and school and the gym and work and the literary magazine. It’s been too busy, and I find myself never finding time to be with friends or my loved ones. It actually sorta hurts – it’s that FOMO [fear of missing out] feeling. It’s the feeling of surviving, not living. I end my days saying, “phew, I made it through the day,” & I awake to do the same exact non-stop mundane routine. It’s almost like a little piece of my soul is breaking off little by little.

But I am well-aware that this is temporary. 56 days, just 56 days, until graduation. Of those 56 days, 32 of them are school days. My last real school day is June 1. Woot woot! I did my math, so I’ll really have school for 57% of the 56 days I have left. Not to mention, the Literary Magazine will be sent out for printing in two weeks! (which means the next two weeks are going to be busy, busy, busy over in room 219). Let me know if you want a copy! And also my sister will be home on May 4 and she’s going to take over this “job” I have. It’s honestly a pathetic excuse for a job but I’m holding out for a few more weeks because my whole family will basically hate me if I don’t. OH, and plus I finished my PE class TODAY. Literally, I went in there… and I gave back my heart rate monitor and everything! Talk about liberating!!!

Speaking of liberation... I wonder how I’ll feel on June 13 when I’m done FOREVER with high school; the thing with high school is: some of my most unpleasant, horrifying, ugly memories exist during this time; I would never wish my time in high school upon anyone (even my worst enemy). So basically … all I am saying is: don’t be surprised if you see me crying tears of Joy on June 13.

Surviving Senior Year

The moment I wrote that title, I thought, “Oh that’s alliteration!” So anyway, I have precisely 118 days until graduation (I have a countdown app on my phone). But of those 118 days, I only have 70 days of actual school. The beginning of the year was extremely easy (course work wise), and I didn’t feel like I’d ever get that icky thing called senioritis. If second semester was just the same as first, I really wouldn’t be in a bad position right now. But yes, I’m in that bad position with that awful thing called senioritis.

It’s not the senioritis where I just don’t want to do the work because I think, “Oh, I’m in college so I’m done with high school now.” No, it’s the senioritis where you just plan CAN’T STAND walking into the same-old place doing the same-old shit every single day. What has brought upon this huge bout of senioritis is the course work. I was told by hundreds of people, “oh second semester senior year is so easy.” But NO it’s not. Never should I have believed that lie because it’s catching up to me now!

One MAJOR thing that is stressing me out is Online PE. Online PE?? WHAT? I didn’t even know a thing like that existed… until lovely DRHS shoves that crap in my face. And honestly, it’s been a hard transition to move from honors classes to all c-level classes. I’m (mostly) surrounded by kids that are druggies or don’t have ambition or think I’m annoying because I ask questions. It’s truthfully hard for me to learn with surroundings like that! Let’s just say it’s going to be a long and hard next few months. Of course I could just give up right now and most likely remain accepted in all the schools I’ve been accepted to, but I set a goal that I intend on reaching it. My goal is to have all As (online PE doesn’t count… I’ll be satisfied with a D). Last semester I had a 3.88. I mean, I know I’m only taking five classes, but 3.88 looks DAMN good on my transcript.

Nonetheless, the next 118 days will most certainly be the hardest days of my life.

Goodbye 2011, Glad to Never See You Again!

I am quite thrilled that this year, of grief, depression, calamity, is finally over. I think it’s comical that I began the year looking forward to better myself, but that blew up in my face. I started my year with Passion, which was a great experience, and I came back motivated. I look back at the One Word 2011 post, and I said “By the time I know it, December 2011 is going to be here and I wouldn’t have broken anything, and I’ll feel like I have failed.” Well, the only thing that broke was my actual physical body. Plus, I gave up on this word months ago. But do I feel like I’ve failed? Not really; I quite honestly don’t really care that it didn’t work out.

Now I begin to look at the upcoming year, which I’m hoping with my entire soul it won’t turn out as crappy as this year. 2012 will be one of the biggest transition years in my life. I’ll be graduating high school and beginning college, which is both frightening and super exciting. This year I’ll have no one word, no resolution, no goal to reach. I’ll just go about days doing all the mundane life things. And I’m happy with that.

I often wonder, what makes January 1 so special? You still wake up in the same place, doing the same things. I mean I understand that it’s a new year and a resolution is a goal to attempt to better yourself. I mean I can see the meaning in it, but to be completely honest: the last time I attempted to better myself, it ruined my life, plus almost taking my actual physical life. So, I'm in some way scared that some goal I set will again, blow up in my face. I don’t look at the new year as a “new start” because I’ll still be in the exact same place when the sun rises in the morning. I get the “new start” that everyone speaks of is metaphorical and such, but I guess I’m too literal. I’ll just live my life, that’s pretty much it.

"A long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last."

Four Months, Two Days

Four months and two days ago marked the most tragic event in my life, and I find it ironic that I cannot even remember that day. But the repercussions of that day make this calamity tragic. I sit here and wonder why this happened at a moment in my life when I felt absolutely stellar; I came home from vacation with a new outlook. However, my new outlook was smashed to little pieces. But sometimes, life throws curve balls, and life can be unfair.


I had this psychological testing done (a four hour test!) a few weeks ago, and I got the results back yesterday. On most things, I passed average or above average. The things I passed below average on were impulsivity, attention, and the ability of my left-hand. However, my left arm has a separated shoulder so I discount passing below average on that test. The test that tested my attention and impulsivity was a test where a letter popped up, and I had to press the space bar each time a letter came up; however, I couldn’t press the space bar each time an X popped up. That was the most frustrating and annoying test I took throughout the four hours.

Now that it’s been over four months, I often get frustrated that my parents won’t let me drive. I am beginning to drive with my mom in the car, so at least that’s a start. I hope with every ounce of my being that I will be driving again in December. It’s frustrating that I will no longer have an SUV (I’ve always driven an SUV) although we got money from insurance that’s enough to buy another car, but being allowed to drive is the only thing that matters right now. I have to remember that the money my mom got from the insurance probably went to all my medical bills. We got all the receipts today in the mail, so I was allowed to see just how much it cost my insurance and my parents.

My perseverance and patience are most definitely being tested. And I hope one day that it will pay off through all this mess that I am in.

Landlocked Blue - Bright Eyes

18.

Yesterday I turned 18. Legal to: smoke cigarettes, buy lottery tickets, drink in the UK, get pierced, and get tattooed. I only did two of those things on my 18th, get pierced and buy lottery tickets. I spent most of my day with my sister; which was the greatest gift of all. We went to breakfast in the morning. Then we shopped at Target for all the stuff she needs to take back to college. Then we got our nails did. By that point, I was so exhausted. I went home and took a nap until 5:00. I knew there was something up, and I was suspicious the whole day. The evening came, and I was going to dinner with my sister, dad, and mom. I knew that wasn’t the case, considering when we passed The Melting Pot, she kept driving. We kept on driving; then she made a U-Turn. My suspicions were right! Something was up.

I walked into The Melting Pot with high suspicions. My sister and I followed the hostess back into the little private room, where it seemed like a 100 people were! And I really wasn’t expecting that many people to be there. I think there were like twelve. The most surprising person that I wasn’t thinking would be there, Kaitlyn Wilson, who attends Longwood University. I think it’s really cool for her to drive a long way just to have dinner for my birthday. I appreciate her loyalty to me as a friend. When I was in the hospital, she showed up every single day… until my mom asked her to stop! But I can’t forget Teresa and all the other great people that were there. It was great to see the people I can never see anymore due to the license situation.

I didn’t get my license or a puppy like I would have liked. But I had a good night, so that’s alright. My mother did surprise me with two mini horses, which was not expected at all. I didn’t really understand that because I couldn’t get a puppy because I go to college in a year, but I can get two mini horses?? We went to see the mini horses, and they just really weren’t for me. We would have had to build a shelter for them. And the cost of their upkeep is sky high. So that wasn’t worth it to me. I’ve cost my parents a lot this year. And my father is still scared to open the medical bills he keeps receiving.

My day was tiring and good and long, and my night was great.

Week Update

Another week of life has passed, and it was long and tiring. The weekend is about over; the weekends pass way too fast nowadays. I went to Longwood on Monday, and I was accepted because they have immediate decision. I mean it’s cool and all, but I wasn’t too excited. It’s cool that I got into a college, but I hope I get into something more reputable. We’ll just have to see. My top choices for now are George Mason University and Christopher Newport University.

My birthday is in 6 days. I have no expectation. Because I know for sure I won’t get the one thing I want: my license. It’s something that doesn’t cost money, and frankly it’s been over three months. So, is just sitting here going to make me a better driver? I don’t know what my parent’s philosophy is, but I can’t control their opinion. And the one thing I wanted, a puppy, my mother won’t get me that either. So yeah I’m going to have the most awesome birthday ever. I was so excited to have a birthday on a Saturday, until this happened. I’m not excited for my birthday, and all the “happiness” that comes with it. The only thing I’m excited for is that my sister is coming home. That’ll be a gift in itself.

It absolutely sucks to be an only child for a year, with no license. I live in an awkward home, and I can’t escape from the awkwardness anymore. Last year I was hardly home, and I liked it that way. And it sucks to know that I never abused my driving capabilities, while plenty of people in my grade have driven reckless or intoxicated. I was never a bad driver. And I still don’t know what happened, so I cannot justify why it happened.

It’s just really an unfortunate life now.

Take Me Away – Chase Coy
Tired and Uninspired – My American Heart

Senior Pictures

Update with school, I did not at all want to drop another class because I could have handled six classes. But unfortunately, school would not allow me to switch classes even after speaking to the principal. So, I have five classes now: Honors Government, Humanities, Advanced Algebra / Trig, Biology II, and English 12. So I have only two honors classes this year (Governement and Humanities). Oh well, we'll just see where I'll get into college I guess! Cool college stuff: I did an interview at Christopher Newport Univeristy last week. I'm going to Longwood University on Monday and they're going to give me immediate decision that day. I'm going to George Mason University on Wednesday for a tour. On October 29, I am going to University of Mary Washington for this thing called Discovery Day. On November 10, I have a meeting scheduled with Radford University and they're going to give me an immediate decision. The college applications I still need to complete are George Mason, College of Charleston, and East Carolina University. But I am most likely going to have to go in-state for college. We'll just see 1) where I get in and 2) if I can get scholarships at the out-of-state schools.

School And Life

School breaks me down little by little. It stresses me out and tears every piece of my pride into thin air. I actually thought I was smart and could go far in life. But I’ve come to the realization that I’m not and I can’t.

School was too much to deal with, so I dropped AP Psychology. And tomorrow I’m meeting with the principal to switch out of an honors elective (British Heritage) to a regulars. And I’m also going to switch from Honors Government to regulars. I have to meet with the principal about all that because my counselor Ms. Zando refuses to switch me into a different elective. I asked her last week, “So, what happened to the whole ‘we’ll do anything to help you through this process’?” Ya know, I could actually keep all the classes I had in the beginning of the year, but I just don’t want to deal with it because I’ve given up the hope of going to a reputable school. And all that, it’s tearing down every bit of confidence I had. I’m not smart. I can’t handle everyday life occurrences. Most days, I’d rather crawl in a hole to just be alone and hear nothing but silence.

My birthday is in precisely 20 days. I honestly want nothing because I don’t deserve it. We got my medical bill in the mail on Friday. My mom can’t even buy airline tickets to Arkansas for my grandfather’s 80th birthday. So yes, I feel terrible for burdening my mother with a medical bill. My birthday present this year will be a medical bill payment.

So what keeps me going when there’s no joy left in my life? My dog. Music. Chrissy. I guess those things are considered my joy now.

Gone - Matt Nathanson

Disappointment

Another week of school is done, and I’m thankful that I get to do nothing over the weekend (no sarcasm intended). I entitled this post disappointment because well honestly, this week was disappointing. And at the end of it, I realize that I’m just some mediocre kid. I have nothing outstanding to show anyone. I have no awesome grades. I’m just not an exceptional person; I’m just mediocre. And I’ll be content with that for now because I have no ambitions anymore. I started thinking about this whole mediocre concept when I heard the quote: “I will not settle for mediocrity.” Well, I’m settling because that’s the best I can do. I can’t live up to the all As, involved in a million extra-curriculars, and having outstanding awards.


I realized all of that when I received my class rank and GPA today. I’m in the bottom 50 percentile. I might even be in the bottom 25 percentile. I’m 324/477. My GPA is a 3.37. When I told my father that, he tried to hide his disappointment, but I could hear it in his voice.Those are my numbers, and that’s what colleges look at. I’m just some number and words on a piece of paper. They don’t care about your compassion for others and your own passions. I’ll get into college wherever I get into. I no longer have a desire to go to a reputable school. My desires were sucked dry this week, and it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I sent in my application for Radford University today, and if it comes down to it, I’ll just go there. I used to think, “Ew, I’m never going to Radford, that’s meant for the people that can’t get into college anywhere else.” Now that I’ve learned my class rank, my thoughts have changed. And at least my lovely sister goes there. I mean, I don’t expect myself to just get into Radford, but it’s always an option now.

I turned in my senior picture and senior quote this week. I’ll post the pictures when the photographer finishes editing all of them. But my senior quote was, “To believe with certainty we must first begin with doubting.” – Stanislaw Leszcsynski. It was between that quote and “I’ve been to the loony bin and back,” which has an important space in my heart because it was brother’s own original quote when he was a senior. I love my brother. But I went with the other quote because I doubt a lot. I don’t believe in anything with certainty, so I doubt.

This week was draining, long, and disappointing. I do feel a little disappointed in myself, but life never gave me lemons, so I couldn’t make lemonade. Wherever I go in life, I guess that’s just where I’ll go. Life goes on.

A Slap In The Face

I won’t lie, this has affected me greatly. It’s changed me and my wellness, physically and mentally, for the worse. Those people that can go through something like this and keep their head held high? Well awesome for them, but I’m just not like that. I’ve gone to school for two weeks now, and it sucks. My senior year SUCKS. It’s funny that there is this reputation that senior year is supposed to be freaking awesome. Well that’s life slapping me hard in the face.

Nothing is the same anymore, meaning it’s a BAD ‘nothing is the same’. I can’t do anything on the weekends, and I’ve gotten to the point where I’d rather do nothing anyway. I can no longer go see people after school. Nope, instead I go straight home to my room, alone. I used to get coffee from Starbucks almost every morning before school with my sister, but I can’t do that anymore because 1) I can’t drive and 2) my sister isn’t here. All of this is one huge slap in the face, but I have to remember that this was my fault, and there’s no one else to blame. I hold myself accountable for my actions, but this, my life, still sucks majorly.

Life was rough before all this happened, but now it sucks even more. But I returned from the beach with a new attitude. And I quote from July 11 journal entry: “The end of the week was great and honestly I feel f***ing awesome right now, honestly and truly I do.” I returned on July 12 ready to start my life again with joy and new reasoning. But nope, life slapped me in the face... again.

And I don’t see myself years from now, looking back and thinking, “Wow I am thankful for that experience.” No way, never will I be thankful for this. It’ll hang over my head as a burden for the rest of my existence. I will fake smiles and keep waking up in the morning, just to reassure my family and friends that I’m still okay. At a minimum, I guess I’m okay.

First Week

I’ve made it through one week of school, and it wasn’t exactly easy. The first day, I got too exhausted to make it through the day, so I left at 1. Then the second day, I had a doctor appointment, so I left at 1 again. But Thursday and Friday I went for the whole day, but not without a struggle of course. I don’t think I’m going to make it through full days, 5 times a week. We’ll just have to see what happens.

My classes are alright. I’m not a fan of Biology II; it’s not the curriculum that bothers me, it’s the teacher. My other classes are okay, including AP Psych: it may be demanding but it’s something that I’m interested in. I also think Humanities will be fun, just because it’s not demanding and I like the concepts that we talk about. We’re currently discussing: what brings happiness? I took two quizzes this week, and I did just fine on them, but I haven’t gotten back the grades yet. I’m also currently in college prep English, but I’m thinking about switching out to AP. Last year I was in Honors English and got an A. There’s an AP English class during the same block with two good friends, so I may just go for it, or I may just stay in college prep. Again, we’ll just see what happens. Oh and also, Christopher Newport University called my house to let me know that they’ll be at Deep Run on Tuesday, so I’ll go to that meeting.

This weekend has been lazy and boring. Not to mention, I haven’t left my PJs all weekend, well except when I showered. I’ve done homework for Trig, AP Psych, Hon. Gov, Our British Heritage, Bio II, and a project for Humanities. I’ve also watched Lost, Internet browsed for clothes, and took care of my baby Surge. This morning he scratched his eye and it was bleeding, so my mom went to get him a cone so he cannot touch his face.

These are the songs that I’ve been playing on repeat all weekend: Lions! – Pretty Lights, You Still Hurt Me – William Fitzsimmons, The Longer I Run – Peter Bradley Adams, 5:19 – Matt Wertz, and Bottom of the Sea – Matt Nathanson.

 Surge with his cone on.

My project for Humanities. I've added captions to the pictures but didn't feel like taking another picture.

So Long Sweet Summer

It’s the last day of summer.

Well, it’s been a first of many this summer. I was in my first car accident, first trip to the hospital, first coma, first wasp sting, first earthquake ever experienced, and many more. Summer 2011 will forever be the worst summer ever. Unfortunate? Yes. And it’s unfortunate to be going back to school when it honestly feels I haven’t even had a break. The first three weeks counted for something, but the last two months greatly overpower the first three weeks.

It’s my senior year, and I know I need to enter into it with a positive attitude. I know that, but quite honestly I’m not going to. It’s just going to put even more stress on me and make me go even more “insane in the membrane”, as I called it in the hospital. This year I’ll be taking Hon. Government, Humanities, Advanced Alg. II / Trig, English 12, AP Psychology, and Our British Heritage. My inner core is shaking with trepidation. Will I be able to remember the material? Will I have the stamina to be alert for seven hours? Will I be able to handle the noise? Will 2,000 students just be way too overwhelming? There are too many unknowns and that’s why I am fearful.

Things have changed; actually pretty much everything has changed, in a negative way of course. I drove to school every single day last year, but now my parents are prohibiting me from actually being self sufficient. I can understand my parent’s caution, so it’s pretty much a waiting game. I wish someone would just let me prove to them that I am capable. So far, no one’s even let me do that. My mother says the doctor needs to approve, but the next time that’ll be is Sept. 27. Just use some empathy right now: imagine doing everything for yourself for one year and seven months. For one mistake, ONE, everything is taken from you. I just want my independence back.

There are perfect songs that’ll end my summer. I’ll listen to them on repeat tonight, and I’ll imagine my summer was actually that sweet. Therefore, “so long sweet summer.”

Warmth of the Sand – Dashboard Confessional
Age Six Racer - Dashboard Confessional

So Long

Sorry guys, I started it here so I’ll end it here. It’s been 9 months into the year and nothing’s been broken, well except my physical being. My one word is no longer; I’m giving up on that word, ‘cause so far the only thing that’s ACTUALLY been broken is me. That’s not what I wanted out of this and there’s nothing to do with the word anymore.

Unfortunately, my hesitations with this word have come true. I haven’t broken anything; the only thing that’s actually physically broken is me. I want to say thanks to the people that supported me with my One Word, like Alece and Nicole. So please don’t be disappointed; there’ll be another year to give this a shot again. Be excited for me that I’ll have another opportunity to try this whole thing again when I feel capable of doing so.

I said in my One Word 2011 post that if nothing’s happened with this word, then I would feel like I’ve failed. But you know what? I don’t feel like I’m failing at all by laying this word to rest. I also said “It’s weird to say “I want to break my life.” That’s not really what I’m meaning.” Unfortunately, my actual life has been broken. My opportunities, my independence, my potential in school have all been stolen from me since the accident. It doesn’t seem fair, and yes I’m actually upset. As unfortunate as that may be, the only thing I can do is keep pushing on. I feel defeated, but I don’t want to be defeated just because I can’t have what I want.

Keep an open heart and an open mind is my best bet on my road to recovery. Whenever I want to punch a doctor in the face, I won’t. Whenever I want to cuss out my mom/dad, I won’t. Whenever I want to quit therapy, I won’t… (only because my mom won’t let me). I have to overcome bitterness before making progress. I’m not concentrating on something that can’t break; I’m concentrating on just getting well. So peace, farewell, and much love to Break.

Let's Be Real

One thing’s for sure, I’m no faker and a genuinely real & honest person, and that hasn’t changed since July 12. I don’t want to say that I’m “bitter” but it’s something along those lines. How is something I don’t remember supposed to change me? I have no recollection of before the crash, during the crash, and I hardly remember anything during my stay at the hospital. So no, I’m not a “new person” after this. Nothing’s changed for me, except the fact that I have no independence. To be honest, it sucks to have my parents have to drive me everywhere and rely on them for everything. And both my siblings are in college, so they can’t drive me anywhere. It feels like this whole thing had to happen at the worst time. Before the crash, I drove everywhere: school, the mall, friends’ houses, babysitting, etc. I could just go about my day like a normal teenager would do. But now things have changed. My mom works on the weekends, my dad doesn’t live with me, my siblings aren’t here, and I live in the absolute middle of nowhere. A friend of mine said to me: “I would come pick you up, but I just don’t have enough gas money." None of my friends are actually willing to drive thirty minutes to get me and then thirty minutes back into town. So it’s my dog and I watching TV all day. What a life, right?

It kinda actually sucks that this was my summer. I was looking forward to summer, but nope, I had to ruin that opportunity. Quite honestly, this whole thing has taken me away from everything: my friends, my high school potential, the opportunities I had (like getting a job during senior year), and most importantly my independence. What almost-18 year old wants to rely on their parents for everything? So this recovery process is no walk in the park. It brings frustration, and I can’t help but think “this is so unfair that this had to happen to me; this wasn’t supposed to happen.” It’s brought nothing but bad to my life. My Dad told me yesterday, “You have to remember that this was your fault, and you cannot hold anyone else responsible.” Of course I know that, but am I supposed to be punished for something that 1) was an accident and 2) I almost died for? And I don’t want to carry around some stinky feeling of regret for something that I never wanted to happen. It may have been my fault (I can’t remember), but it was never something I wanted to happen, never.

I should be thankful to be alive, and indeed I am. It’s just hard to keep a thought like that when I just can’t remember. The fact that I know that it happened is something to be thankful for, but if I could actually remember, then maybe that feeling would be more apparent to me. I’m still the same-old Olivia that I was before. People expect me to do great things with my life; my mom really thinks so. But nothing’s changed, and I’m still not-that-great of a person, so when people say that it’s just unneeded pressure on me. I’m thankful for the visitors that came to see me in the hospital and their prayers, although I only remember just a few of them. Maybe in time, a long time, I’ll feel more content with this experience. I guess at least I have something to write about for my college essay!

Pictures from July 2011

My poor baby :( I loved this thing to pieces; what a shame. I got this '03 Ford Explorer in May 2010, and when I crashed the vehicle had about 117,000 miles on it. It's been with me to VA Beach, Chappel Hill, Kiawah Island (twice), Alexandria, and other great memories were held in this car. It should have lasted me through college, but it didn't. At least it was insured! Oh yeah, and I have absoltely no clue how I managed to hit a tree on the side of the car.

The driver's chair, which was where I was. Most of my damage was done to my left side: bloody shoulder and a seperated shoulder (which never ceases to still bother me).

This was the very beginning of my stay at the hospital. I needed feeding tubes down my throat and up my nose; not to mention, lots of IVs in my arm. I stayed in the ICU for a week before moving to the rehab floor.

This picture may be rough, but hey I just almost DIED.. I wasn't about to try and look good. This neckbrace had to be worn for the first week. And I still have that neckbrace.. but i choose not to wear it, considering there's vomit on it.

I was happy to get that darn neckbrace off!

My sister (Chrissy) and I just love to be goofy. This was the morning of leaving the hospital!