Nashville Got The Best Of Me… Now Time For College

            Spending the weekend with the greatest women I know, Stacie and Nicole, was THE best way to end my summer. I’m not sure where I’d be without these ladies! And I must say, Nashville was a BLAST. From line dancing to hookah to Hard Rock Café to 10-hour car rides, we made some unforgettable memories. We toured MercyMinistries, we drank lots of coffee, we went to Crosspoint Church, and most importantly we had way too much fun.

            And… Nashville got the best of me. I came home with a country song stuck in my head… and country music used to be something I abhorred. And also… believe it or not… I bought a pair of cowboy boots! It’s shocking. But surprisingly I like them, and I’ll wear them (I think).

So... now that that’s over and I move into CNU in 6 days, summer is over. The uncertainty of it all is scary and I’m nervous but still excited, mostly scared and nervous though. I doubt my ability to do well and I doubt my strength to succeed in this world. But I find comfort in knowing that the other 1000+ freshmen are in the exact same boat as me. All I can do is stay positive and keep on truckin’… Nashville DID get the best of me.

An Anniversary

July 12 marks a lot of things for me. It marks basically a whole new something. I was practically dead from July 12 – July 18.  This is sorta like a birthday for me, kinda but not really.

I was at the beach, Kiawah Island, last week with all eighteen members of my family (including a new baby!). Essentially, a week ago last year was the last week that I lived as a “normal” teen and person.  After experiencing our family vacation again, having been through my accident, everything has clarity. Throughout the past year, I was absolutely yearning and pleading for Kiawah to come around again. And it’s so awesome and amazing that I made it! …but now the week is over and the countdown begins again (352 days to go!)

I reflect on the past year, and I’m sure as hell that I went through some earthly-type of Hell. I swear it wasn’t easy to become who I am and what I am today. It took so many doctor appointments and medications and perseverance to be where I am today. It was a struggle, but this whole thing has made me so much better – better at life, better as a person, and I most importantly am more secure in who I am.

Family Photo

Cousin Carly and her baby, Cadyn

the best grandpa, Daddy Hayes!

 One Foot Down - Peter Bradley Adams

you could say that this is fate 


that left you alone standing here 


it's like you've traded the world

for
 a chance, a ship to steer

A Milestone and Reflections

Walking across the Siegel Center stage and receiving my diploma marked a milestone of this girl's life. It’s a definite time of reflection as I look back on the past four years of life, and it’s been a whirlwind for sure! I’ve had good times and some not-so-good.

Freshmen year I was at Steward. As an avid concert-going “emo” kid, I tried hard to be unlike the other roughly 25 girls in my class. Freshmen year is rather hazy to me now, but all I can clearly remember is the fact that I wore the same shoes EVERY single day.

Sophomore year, I was simply low and disheartened. I made a mistake that impacted the rest of my high school career. And at this time in 2009, I met my best friend (even though she’s 16 years older than me!) and second-mom, Nicole Unice. This woman helped me though the next three years filled with turbulent realities and emotions.

Then came junior year, and at this point, the downturn economy spurred the move to public school. After being in a bubble of safe and secure, I was thrown into a school with 2000 students. It was terrifying and intimidating, yet so entirely beneficial. Although thrown into an experience with so many uncertainties, I learned so much that will forever benefit my future. I believe that public school gave me a much better understanding of “real world.”

Finally came senior year, which was a challenge to say the least. School started less than 2 months after my car accident and traumatic brain injury. I was in and out of doctors’ offices almost weekly up until December. And I’d say that August-December were so incredibly difficult. I can remember late night phone calls with Nicole, pouring my heart out about the pains and burdens that came with my brain injury, most notably not being allowed to drive. But I’m here today on June 13, diploma in hand!
I am sure different than I used to be, but I am far from who I'm meant to be.

Why It Hurts Now, and Not Then

My parents divorced when I was six years old. I moved out with my mom into a new house in the summer between kindergarten and first grade. I don’t think I was truly even aware of what was going on. It didn’t hurt because my mom and dad still lived only a mile from each other. I could ride my bike to my dad’s house at any time. It worked and I still had my parents around.

Then my mom moved me thirty minutes away from my dad when I was fifteen. Then I became aware of what divorce really was. I learned why they divorced. I learned what it felt like for my parents to be truly separate. Then I thought about my parents being grandparents one day. I have grandparents that are still together, Daddy Hayes and Mama Lil. But my kids won’t have that (at least not from my side of the family). It hurts to know that.

The brokenness of my family, the separateness, I can only take it as a lesson learned. I am going to go back to what Leo said in The Vow, “I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.” Marriage is a one-time only deal. I wish I could fix things, but I can’t. And it was powerful to me when someone told me that “it’s not your job to fix the family.” I’ve been trying to put pieces together, but I’m pretty sure that I’m fighting a losing battle. So I can’t dwell on their divorce, I can only take it as a lesson learned.



My parents' wedding in 1987



The End, Weddings, and Thoughts on Love

The realization hit me last week that high school is actually almost over. And I thought at the end of it, it would be all sweet and wonderful and great. But you know what? It's actually bittersweet. Bitter being that the security of a mundane routine is no longer. And it's MOSTLY sweet because high school years were rough and I am excited for new life and new beginnings.

I attended my very first wedding yesterday! Jessica and Andrew Parham are in their twenties and they're great. I've watched weddings on the television (from watching Four Weddings on TLC). I've gotta say, it's [naturally] so much different when it's in person and you actually know the people! I never knew much about what marriage was meant to be, and I enjoyed listening to the whole ceremony and what the pastors had to say about it.

I'm going to be all cheesy, but if you've ever seen The Vow, you know how sweet their vows were to each other.
Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.
Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.


What Leo says about fiercely loving in ALL forms stuck out to me. Because you know what? It's hard to love people sometimes. Two things that I love immensely: my dog and my sister. There are times when it's hard to love both of them. When my dog pees on the carpet, when my dog keeps my mom or me up all night because it's storming, when my sister is never on time, when she lets me down; all of those times - it's hard to love them. But just like Leo said, love in all forms, now and forever. I'm not married yet or anything but I know marriage will be hard but worth it.

When Life's Been Busy...

I am well aware that my blog has been pretty dry lately. The fact that I’m home at 5:30 is like a miracle (but not like the one that happened last summer!) I actually have time to sit in my bed, watch some TV, paint my nails, and [of course] write a blog post.

Life’s been busy, full of driving and school and the gym and work and the literary magazine. It’s been too busy, and I find myself never finding time to be with friends or my loved ones. It actually sorta hurts – it’s that FOMO [fear of missing out] feeling. It’s the feeling of surviving, not living. I end my days saying, “phew, I made it through the day,” & I awake to do the same exact non-stop mundane routine. It’s almost like a little piece of my soul is breaking off little by little.

But I am well-aware that this is temporary. 56 days, just 56 days, until graduation. Of those 56 days, 32 of them are school days. My last real school day is June 1. Woot woot! I did my math, so I’ll really have school for 57% of the 56 days I have left. Not to mention, the Literary Magazine will be sent out for printing in two weeks! (which means the next two weeks are going to be busy, busy, busy over in room 219). Let me know if you want a copy! And also my sister will be home on May 4 and she’s going to take over this “job” I have. It’s honestly a pathetic excuse for a job but I’m holding out for a few more weeks because my whole family will basically hate me if I don’t. OH, and plus I finished my PE class TODAY. Literally, I went in there… and I gave back my heart rate monitor and everything! Talk about liberating!!!

Speaking of liberation... I wonder how I’ll feel on June 13 when I’m done FOREVER with high school; the thing with high school is: some of my most unpleasant, horrifying, ugly memories exist during this time; I would never wish my time in high school upon anyone (even my worst enemy). So basically … all I am saying is: don’t be surprised if you see me crying tears of Joy on June 13.

Surviving Senior Year

The moment I wrote that title, I thought, “Oh that’s alliteration!” So anyway, I have precisely 118 days until graduation (I have a countdown app on my phone). But of those 118 days, I only have 70 days of actual school. The beginning of the year was extremely easy (course work wise), and I didn’t feel like I’d ever get that icky thing called senioritis. If second semester was just the same as first, I really wouldn’t be in a bad position right now. But yes, I’m in that bad position with that awful thing called senioritis.

It’s not the senioritis where I just don’t want to do the work because I think, “Oh, I’m in college so I’m done with high school now.” No, it’s the senioritis where you just plan CAN’T STAND walking into the same-old place doing the same-old shit every single day. What has brought upon this huge bout of senioritis is the course work. I was told by hundreds of people, “oh second semester senior year is so easy.” But NO it’s not. Never should I have believed that lie because it’s catching up to me now!

One MAJOR thing that is stressing me out is Online PE. Online PE?? WHAT? I didn’t even know a thing like that existed… until lovely DRHS shoves that crap in my face. And honestly, it’s been a hard transition to move from honors classes to all c-level classes. I’m (mostly) surrounded by kids that are druggies or don’t have ambition or think I’m annoying because I ask questions. It’s truthfully hard for me to learn with surroundings like that! Let’s just say it’s going to be a long and hard next few months. Of course I could just give up right now and most likely remain accepted in all the schools I’ve been accepted to, but I set a goal that I intend on reaching it. My goal is to have all As (online PE doesn’t count… I’ll be satisfied with a D). Last semester I had a 3.88. I mean, I know I’m only taking five classes, but 3.88 looks DAMN good on my transcript.

Nonetheless, the next 118 days will most certainly be the hardest days of my life.