Let's Be Real

One thing’s for sure, I’m no faker and a genuinely real & honest person, and that hasn’t changed since July 12. I don’t want to say that I’m “bitter” but it’s something along those lines. How is something I don’t remember supposed to change me? I have no recollection of before the crash, during the crash, and I hardly remember anything during my stay at the hospital. So no, I’m not a “new person” after this. Nothing’s changed for me, except the fact that I have no independence. To be honest, it sucks to have my parents have to drive me everywhere and rely on them for everything. And both my siblings are in college, so they can’t drive me anywhere. It feels like this whole thing had to happen at the worst time. Before the crash, I drove everywhere: school, the mall, friends’ houses, babysitting, etc. I could just go about my day like a normal teenager would do. But now things have changed. My mom works on the weekends, my dad doesn’t live with me, my siblings aren’t here, and I live in the absolute middle of nowhere. A friend of mine said to me: “I would come pick you up, but I just don’t have enough gas money." None of my friends are actually willing to drive thirty minutes to get me and then thirty minutes back into town. So it’s my dog and I watching TV all day. What a life, right?

It kinda actually sucks that this was my summer. I was looking forward to summer, but nope, I had to ruin that opportunity. Quite honestly, this whole thing has taken me away from everything: my friends, my high school potential, the opportunities I had (like getting a job during senior year), and most importantly my independence. What almost-18 year old wants to rely on their parents for everything? So this recovery process is no walk in the park. It brings frustration, and I can’t help but think “this is so unfair that this had to happen to me; this wasn’t supposed to happen.” It’s brought nothing but bad to my life. My Dad told me yesterday, “You have to remember that this was your fault, and you cannot hold anyone else responsible.” Of course I know that, but am I supposed to be punished for something that 1) was an accident and 2) I almost died for? And I don’t want to carry around some stinky feeling of regret for something that I never wanted to happen. It may have been my fault (I can’t remember), but it was never something I wanted to happen, never.

I should be thankful to be alive, and indeed I am. It’s just hard to keep a thought like that when I just can’t remember. The fact that I know that it happened is something to be thankful for, but if I could actually remember, then maybe that feeling would be more apparent to me. I’m still the same-old Olivia that I was before. People expect me to do great things with my life; my mom really thinks so. But nothing’s changed, and I’m still not-that-great of a person, so when people say that it’s just unneeded pressure on me. I’m thankful for the visitors that came to see me in the hospital and their prayers, although I only remember just a few of them. Maybe in time, a long time, I’ll feel more content with this experience. I guess at least I have something to write about for my college essay!