School And Life

School breaks me down little by little. It stresses me out and tears every piece of my pride into thin air. I actually thought I was smart and could go far in life. But I’ve come to the realization that I’m not and I can’t.

School was too much to deal with, so I dropped AP Psychology. And tomorrow I’m meeting with the principal to switch out of an honors elective (British Heritage) to a regulars. And I’m also going to switch from Honors Government to regulars. I have to meet with the principal about all that because my counselor Ms. Zando refuses to switch me into a different elective. I asked her last week, “So, what happened to the whole ‘we’ll do anything to help you through this process’?” Ya know, I could actually keep all the classes I had in the beginning of the year, but I just don’t want to deal with it because I’ve given up the hope of going to a reputable school. And all that, it’s tearing down every bit of confidence I had. I’m not smart. I can’t handle everyday life occurrences. Most days, I’d rather crawl in a hole to just be alone and hear nothing but silence.

My birthday is in precisely 20 days. I honestly want nothing because I don’t deserve it. We got my medical bill in the mail on Friday. My mom can’t even buy airline tickets to Arkansas for my grandfather’s 80th birthday. So yes, I feel terrible for burdening my mother with a medical bill. My birthday present this year will be a medical bill payment.

So what keeps me going when there’s no joy left in my life? My dog. Music. Chrissy. I guess those things are considered my joy now.

Gone - Matt Nathanson