Another week of school is done, and I’m thankful that I get to do nothing over the weekend (no sarcasm intended). I entitled this post disappointment because well honestly, this week was disappointing. And at the end of it, I realize that I’m just some mediocre kid. I have nothing outstanding to show anyone. I have no awesome grades. I’m just not an exceptional person; I’m just mediocre. And I’ll be content with that for now because I have no ambitions anymore. I started thinking about this whole mediocre concept when I heard the quote: “I will not settle for mediocrity.” Well, I’m settling because that’s the best I can do. I can’t live up to the all As, involved in a million extra-curriculars, and having outstanding awards.
I realized all of that when I received my class rank and GPA today. I’m in the bottom 50 percentile. I might even be in the bottom 25 percentile. I’m 324/477. My GPA is a 3.37. When I told my father that, he tried to hide his disappointment, but I could hear it in his voice.Those are my numbers, and that’s what colleges look at. I’m just some number and words on a piece of paper. They don’t care about your compassion for others and your own passions. I’ll get into college wherever I get into. I no longer have a desire to go to a reputable school. My desires were sucked dry this week, and it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I sent in my application for Radford University today, and if it comes down to it, I’ll just go there. I used to think, “Ew, I’m never going to Radford, that’s meant for the people that can’t get into college anywhere else.” Now that I’ve learned my class rank, my thoughts have changed. And at least my lovely sister goes there. I mean, I don’t expect myself to just get into Radford, but it’s always an option now.
I turned in my senior picture and senior quote this week. I’ll post the pictures when the photographer finishes editing all of them. But my senior quote was, “To believe with certainty we must first begin with doubting.” – Stanislaw Leszcsynski. It was between that quote and “I’ve been to the loony bin and back,” which has an important space in my heart because it was brother’s own original quote when he was a senior. I love my brother. But I went with the other quote because I doubt a lot. I don’t believe in anything with certainty, so I doubt.
This week was draining, long, and disappointing. I do feel a little disappointed in myself, but life never gave me lemons, so I couldn’t make lemonade. Wherever I go in life, I guess that’s just where I’ll go. Life goes on.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
A Slap In The Face
I won’t lie, this has affected me greatly. It’s changed me and my wellness, physically and mentally, for the worse. Those people that can go through something like this and keep their head held high? Well awesome for them, but I’m just not like that. I’ve gone to school for two weeks now, and it sucks. My senior year SUCKS. It’s funny that there is this reputation that senior year is supposed to be freaking awesome. Well that’s life slapping me hard in the face.
Nothing is the same anymore, meaning it’s a BAD ‘nothing is the same’. I can’t do anything on the weekends, and I’ve gotten to the point where I’d rather do nothing anyway. I can no longer go see people after school. Nope, instead I go straight home to my room, alone. I used to get coffee from Starbucks almost every morning before school with my sister, but I can’t do that anymore because 1) I can’t drive and 2) my sister isn’t here. All of this is one huge slap in the face, but I have to remember that this was my fault, and there’s no one else to blame. I hold myself accountable for my actions, but this, my life, still sucks majorly.
Life was rough before all this happened, but now it sucks even more. But I returned from the beach with a new attitude. And I quote from July 11 journal entry: “The end of the week was great and honestly I feel f***ing awesome right now, honestly and truly I do.” I returned on July 12 ready to start my life again with joy and new reasoning. But nope, life slapped me in the face... again.
And I don’t see myself years from now, looking back and thinking, “Wow I am thankful for that experience.” No way, never will I be thankful for this. It’ll hang over my head as a burden for the rest of my existence. I will fake smiles and keep waking up in the morning, just to reassure my family and friends that I’m still okay. At a minimum, I guess I’m okay.
Nothing is the same anymore, meaning it’s a BAD ‘nothing is the same’. I can’t do anything on the weekends, and I’ve gotten to the point where I’d rather do nothing anyway. I can no longer go see people after school. Nope, instead I go straight home to my room, alone. I used to get coffee from Starbucks almost every morning before school with my sister, but I can’t do that anymore because 1) I can’t drive and 2) my sister isn’t here. All of this is one huge slap in the face, but I have to remember that this was my fault, and there’s no one else to blame. I hold myself accountable for my actions, but this, my life, still sucks majorly.
Life was rough before all this happened, but now it sucks even more. But I returned from the beach with a new attitude. And I quote from July 11 journal entry: “The end of the week was great and honestly I feel f***ing awesome right now, honestly and truly I do.” I returned on July 12 ready to start my life again with joy and new reasoning. But nope, life slapped me in the face... again.
And I don’t see myself years from now, looking back and thinking, “Wow I am thankful for that experience.” No way, never will I be thankful for this. It’ll hang over my head as a burden for the rest of my existence. I will fake smiles and keep waking up in the morning, just to reassure my family and friends that I’m still okay. At a minimum, I guess I’m okay.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
First Week
I’ve made it through one week of school, and it wasn’t exactly easy. The first day, I got too exhausted to make it through the day, so I left at 1. Then the second day, I had a doctor appointment, so I left at 1 again. But Thursday and Friday I went for the whole day, but not without a struggle of course. I don’t think I’m going to make it through full days, 5 times a week. We’ll just have to see what happens.
My classes are alright. I’m not a fan of Biology II; it’s not the curriculum that bothers me, it’s the teacher. My other classes are okay, including AP Psych: it may be demanding but it’s something that I’m interested in. I also think Humanities will be fun, just because it’s not demanding and I like the concepts that we talk about. We’re currently discussing: what brings happiness? I took two quizzes this week, and I did just fine on them, but I haven’t gotten back the grades yet. I’m also currently in college prep English, but I’m thinking about switching out to AP. Last year I was in Honors English and got an A. There’s an AP English class during the same block with two good friends, so I may just go for it, or I may just stay in college prep. Again, we’ll just see what happens. Oh and also, Christopher Newport University called my house to let me know that they’ll be at Deep Run on Tuesday, so I’ll go to that meeting.
This weekend has been lazy and boring. Not to mention, I haven’t left my PJs all weekend, well except when I showered. I’ve done homework for Trig, AP Psych, Hon. Gov, Our British Heritage, Bio II, and a project for Humanities. I’ve also watched Lost, Internet browsed for clothes, and took care of my baby Surge. This morning he scratched his eye and it was bleeding, so my mom went to get him a cone so he cannot touch his face.
These are the songs that I’ve been playing on repeat all weekend: Lions! – Pretty Lights, You Still Hurt Me – William Fitzsimmons, The Longer I Run – Peter Bradley Adams, 5:19 – Matt Wertz, and Bottom of the Sea – Matt Nathanson.
Surge with his cone on.
My project for Humanities. I've added captions to the pictures but didn't feel like taking another picture.
Monday, September 5, 2011
So Long Sweet Summer
It’s the last day of summer.
Well, it’s been a first of many this summer. I was in my first car accident, first trip to the hospital, first coma, first wasp sting, first earthquake ever experienced, and many more. Summer 2011 will forever be the worst summer ever. Unfortunate? Yes. And it’s unfortunate to be going back to school when it honestly feels I haven’t even had a break. The first three weeks counted for something, but the last two months greatly overpower the first three weeks.
It’s my senior year, and I know I need to enter into it with a positive attitude. I know that, but quite honestly I’m not going to. It’s just going to put even more stress on me and make me go even more “insane in the membrane”, as I called it in the hospital. This year I’ll be taking Hon. Government, Humanities, Advanced Alg. II / Trig, English 12, AP Psychology, and Our British Heritage. My inner core is shaking with trepidation. Will I be able to remember the material? Will I have the stamina to be alert for seven hours? Will I be able to handle the noise? Will 2,000 students just be way too overwhelming? There are too many unknowns and that’s why I am fearful.
Things have changed; actually pretty much everything has changed, in a negative way of course. I drove to school every single day last year, but now my parents are prohibiting me from actually being self sufficient. I can understand my parent’s caution, so it’s pretty much a waiting game. I wish someone would just let me prove to them that I am capable. So far, no one’s even let me do that. My mother says the doctor needs to approve, but the next time that’ll be is Sept. 27. Just use some empathy right now: imagine doing everything for yourself for one year and seven months. For one mistake, ONE, everything is taken from you. I just want my independence back.
There are perfect songs that’ll end my summer. I’ll listen to them on repeat tonight, and I’ll imagine my summer was actually that sweet. Therefore, “so long sweet summer.”
Well, it’s been a first of many this summer. I was in my first car accident, first trip to the hospital, first coma, first wasp sting, first earthquake ever experienced, and many more. Summer 2011 will forever be the worst summer ever. Unfortunate? Yes. And it’s unfortunate to be going back to school when it honestly feels I haven’t even had a break. The first three weeks counted for something, but the last two months greatly overpower the first three weeks.
It’s my senior year, and I know I need to enter into it with a positive attitude. I know that, but quite honestly I’m not going to. It’s just going to put even more stress on me and make me go even more “insane in the membrane”, as I called it in the hospital. This year I’ll be taking Hon. Government, Humanities, Advanced Alg. II / Trig, English 12, AP Psychology, and Our British Heritage. My inner core is shaking with trepidation. Will I be able to remember the material? Will I have the stamina to be alert for seven hours? Will I be able to handle the noise? Will 2,000 students just be way too overwhelming? There are too many unknowns and that’s why I am fearful.
Things have changed; actually pretty much everything has changed, in a negative way of course. I drove to school every single day last year, but now my parents are prohibiting me from actually being self sufficient. I can understand my parent’s caution, so it’s pretty much a waiting game. I wish someone would just let me prove to them that I am capable. So far, no one’s even let me do that. My mother says the doctor needs to approve, but the next time that’ll be is Sept. 27. Just use some empathy right now: imagine doing everything for yourself for one year and seven months. For one mistake, ONE, everything is taken from you. I just want my independence back.
There are perfect songs that’ll end my summer. I’ll listen to them on repeat tonight, and I’ll imagine my summer was actually that sweet. Therefore, “so long sweet summer.”
Warmth of the Sand – Dashboard Confessional
Age Six Racer - Dashboard Confessional
Age Six Racer - Dashboard Confessional
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