Goodbye 2011, Glad to Never See You Again!

I am quite thrilled that this year, of grief, depression, calamity, is finally over. I think it’s comical that I began the year looking forward to better myself, but that blew up in my face. I started my year with Passion, which was a great experience, and I came back motivated. I look back at the One Word 2011 post, and I said “By the time I know it, December 2011 is going to be here and I wouldn’t have broken anything, and I’ll feel like I have failed.” Well, the only thing that broke was my actual physical body. Plus, I gave up on this word months ago. But do I feel like I’ve failed? Not really; I quite honestly don’t really care that it didn’t work out.

Now I begin to look at the upcoming year, which I’m hoping with my entire soul it won’t turn out as crappy as this year. 2012 will be one of the biggest transition years in my life. I’ll be graduating high school and beginning college, which is both frightening and super exciting. This year I’ll have no one word, no resolution, no goal to reach. I’ll just go about days doing all the mundane life things. And I’m happy with that.

I often wonder, what makes January 1 so special? You still wake up in the same place, doing the same things. I mean I understand that it’s a new year and a resolution is a goal to attempt to better yourself. I mean I can see the meaning in it, but to be completely honest: the last time I attempted to better myself, it ruined my life, plus almost taking my actual physical life. So, I'm in some way scared that some goal I set will again, blow up in my face. I don’t look at the new year as a “new start” because I’ll still be in the exact same place when the sun rises in the morning. I get the “new start” that everyone speaks of is metaphorical and such, but I guess I’m too literal. I’ll just live my life, that’s pretty much it.

"A long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last."

Four Months, Two Days

Four months and two days ago marked the most tragic event in my life, and I find it ironic that I cannot even remember that day. But the repercussions of that day make this calamity tragic. I sit here and wonder why this happened at a moment in my life when I felt absolutely stellar; I came home from vacation with a new outlook. However, my new outlook was smashed to little pieces. But sometimes, life throws curve balls, and life can be unfair.


I had this psychological testing done (a four hour test!) a few weeks ago, and I got the results back yesterday. On most things, I passed average or above average. The things I passed below average on were impulsivity, attention, and the ability of my left-hand. However, my left arm has a separated shoulder so I discount passing below average on that test. The test that tested my attention and impulsivity was a test where a letter popped up, and I had to press the space bar each time a letter came up; however, I couldn’t press the space bar each time an X popped up. That was the most frustrating and annoying test I took throughout the four hours.

Now that it’s been over four months, I often get frustrated that my parents won’t let me drive. I am beginning to drive with my mom in the car, so at least that’s a start. I hope with every ounce of my being that I will be driving again in December. It’s frustrating that I will no longer have an SUV (I’ve always driven an SUV) although we got money from insurance that’s enough to buy another car, but being allowed to drive is the only thing that matters right now. I have to remember that the money my mom got from the insurance probably went to all my medical bills. We got all the receipts today in the mail, so I was allowed to see just how much it cost my insurance and my parents.

My perseverance and patience are most definitely being tested. And I hope one day that it will pay off through all this mess that I am in.

Landlocked Blue - Bright Eyes

18.

Yesterday I turned 18. Legal to: smoke cigarettes, buy lottery tickets, drink in the UK, get pierced, and get tattooed. I only did two of those things on my 18th, get pierced and buy lottery tickets. I spent most of my day with my sister; which was the greatest gift of all. We went to breakfast in the morning. Then we shopped at Target for all the stuff she needs to take back to college. Then we got our nails did. By that point, I was so exhausted. I went home and took a nap until 5:00. I knew there was something up, and I was suspicious the whole day. The evening came, and I was going to dinner with my sister, dad, and mom. I knew that wasn’t the case, considering when we passed The Melting Pot, she kept driving. We kept on driving; then she made a U-Turn. My suspicions were right! Something was up.

I walked into The Melting Pot with high suspicions. My sister and I followed the hostess back into the little private room, where it seemed like a 100 people were! And I really wasn’t expecting that many people to be there. I think there were like twelve. The most surprising person that I wasn’t thinking would be there, Kaitlyn Wilson, who attends Longwood University. I think it’s really cool for her to drive a long way just to have dinner for my birthday. I appreciate her loyalty to me as a friend. When I was in the hospital, she showed up every single day… until my mom asked her to stop! But I can’t forget Teresa and all the other great people that were there. It was great to see the people I can never see anymore due to the license situation.

I didn’t get my license or a puppy like I would have liked. But I had a good night, so that’s alright. My mother did surprise me with two mini horses, which was not expected at all. I didn’t really understand that because I couldn’t get a puppy because I go to college in a year, but I can get two mini horses?? We went to see the mini horses, and they just really weren’t for me. We would have had to build a shelter for them. And the cost of their upkeep is sky high. So that wasn’t worth it to me. I’ve cost my parents a lot this year. And my father is still scared to open the medical bills he keeps receiving.

My day was tiring and good and long, and my night was great.

Week Update

Another week of life has passed, and it was long and tiring. The weekend is about over; the weekends pass way too fast nowadays. I went to Longwood on Monday, and I was accepted because they have immediate decision. I mean it’s cool and all, but I wasn’t too excited. It’s cool that I got into a college, but I hope I get into something more reputable. We’ll just have to see. My top choices for now are George Mason University and Christopher Newport University.

My birthday is in 6 days. I have no expectation. Because I know for sure I won’t get the one thing I want: my license. It’s something that doesn’t cost money, and frankly it’s been over three months. So, is just sitting here going to make me a better driver? I don’t know what my parent’s philosophy is, but I can’t control their opinion. And the one thing I wanted, a puppy, my mother won’t get me that either. So yeah I’m going to have the most awesome birthday ever. I was so excited to have a birthday on a Saturday, until this happened. I’m not excited for my birthday, and all the “happiness” that comes with it. The only thing I’m excited for is that my sister is coming home. That’ll be a gift in itself.

It absolutely sucks to be an only child for a year, with no license. I live in an awkward home, and I can’t escape from the awkwardness anymore. Last year I was hardly home, and I liked it that way. And it sucks to know that I never abused my driving capabilities, while plenty of people in my grade have driven reckless or intoxicated. I was never a bad driver. And I still don’t know what happened, so I cannot justify why it happened.

It’s just really an unfortunate life now.

Take Me Away – Chase Coy
Tired and Uninspired – My American Heart

Senior Pictures

Update with school, I did not at all want to drop another class because I could have handled six classes. But unfortunately, school would not allow me to switch classes even after speaking to the principal. So, I have five classes now: Honors Government, Humanities, Advanced Algebra / Trig, Biology II, and English 12. So I have only two honors classes this year (Governement and Humanities). Oh well, we'll just see where I'll get into college I guess! Cool college stuff: I did an interview at Christopher Newport Univeristy last week. I'm going to Longwood University on Monday and they're going to give me immediate decision that day. I'm going to George Mason University on Wednesday for a tour. On October 29, I am going to University of Mary Washington for this thing called Discovery Day. On November 10, I have a meeting scheduled with Radford University and they're going to give me an immediate decision. The college applications I still need to complete are George Mason, College of Charleston, and East Carolina University. But I am most likely going to have to go in-state for college. We'll just see 1) where I get in and 2) if I can get scholarships at the out-of-state schools.

School And Life

School breaks me down little by little. It stresses me out and tears every piece of my pride into thin air. I actually thought I was smart and could go far in life. But I’ve come to the realization that I’m not and I can’t.

School was too much to deal with, so I dropped AP Psychology. And tomorrow I’m meeting with the principal to switch out of an honors elective (British Heritage) to a regulars. And I’m also going to switch from Honors Government to regulars. I have to meet with the principal about all that because my counselor Ms. Zando refuses to switch me into a different elective. I asked her last week, “So, what happened to the whole ‘we’ll do anything to help you through this process’?” Ya know, I could actually keep all the classes I had in the beginning of the year, but I just don’t want to deal with it because I’ve given up the hope of going to a reputable school. And all that, it’s tearing down every bit of confidence I had. I’m not smart. I can’t handle everyday life occurrences. Most days, I’d rather crawl in a hole to just be alone and hear nothing but silence.

My birthday is in precisely 20 days. I honestly want nothing because I don’t deserve it. We got my medical bill in the mail on Friday. My mom can’t even buy airline tickets to Arkansas for my grandfather’s 80th birthday. So yes, I feel terrible for burdening my mother with a medical bill. My birthday present this year will be a medical bill payment.

So what keeps me going when there’s no joy left in my life? My dog. Music. Chrissy. I guess those things are considered my joy now.

Gone - Matt Nathanson

Disappointment

Another week of school is done, and I’m thankful that I get to do nothing over the weekend (no sarcasm intended). I entitled this post disappointment because well honestly, this week was disappointing. And at the end of it, I realize that I’m just some mediocre kid. I have nothing outstanding to show anyone. I have no awesome grades. I’m just not an exceptional person; I’m just mediocre. And I’ll be content with that for now because I have no ambitions anymore. I started thinking about this whole mediocre concept when I heard the quote: “I will not settle for mediocrity.” Well, I’m settling because that’s the best I can do. I can’t live up to the all As, involved in a million extra-curriculars, and having outstanding awards.


I realized all of that when I received my class rank and GPA today. I’m in the bottom 50 percentile. I might even be in the bottom 25 percentile. I’m 324/477. My GPA is a 3.37. When I told my father that, he tried to hide his disappointment, but I could hear it in his voice.Those are my numbers, and that’s what colleges look at. I’m just some number and words on a piece of paper. They don’t care about your compassion for others and your own passions. I’ll get into college wherever I get into. I no longer have a desire to go to a reputable school. My desires were sucked dry this week, and it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I sent in my application for Radford University today, and if it comes down to it, I’ll just go there. I used to think, “Ew, I’m never going to Radford, that’s meant for the people that can’t get into college anywhere else.” Now that I’ve learned my class rank, my thoughts have changed. And at least my lovely sister goes there. I mean, I don’t expect myself to just get into Radford, but it’s always an option now.

I turned in my senior picture and senior quote this week. I’ll post the pictures when the photographer finishes editing all of them. But my senior quote was, “To believe with certainty we must first begin with doubting.” – Stanislaw Leszcsynski. It was between that quote and “I’ve been to the loony bin and back,” which has an important space in my heart because it was brother’s own original quote when he was a senior. I love my brother. But I went with the other quote because I doubt a lot. I don’t believe in anything with certainty, so I doubt.

This week was draining, long, and disappointing. I do feel a little disappointed in myself, but life never gave me lemons, so I couldn’t make lemonade. Wherever I go in life, I guess that’s just where I’ll go. Life goes on.