So Long

Sorry guys, I started it here so I’ll end it here. It’s been 9 months into the year and nothing’s been broken, well except my physical being. My one word is no longer; I’m giving up on that word, ‘cause so far the only thing that’s ACTUALLY been broken is me. That’s not what I wanted out of this and there’s nothing to do with the word anymore.

Unfortunately, my hesitations with this word have come true. I haven’t broken anything; the only thing that’s actually physically broken is me. I want to say thanks to the people that supported me with my One Word, like Alece and Nicole. So please don’t be disappointed; there’ll be another year to give this a shot again. Be excited for me that I’ll have another opportunity to try this whole thing again when I feel capable of doing so.

I said in my One Word 2011 post that if nothing’s happened with this word, then I would feel like I’ve failed. But you know what? I don’t feel like I’m failing at all by laying this word to rest. I also said “It’s weird to say “I want to break my life.” That’s not really what I’m meaning.” Unfortunately, my actual life has been broken. My opportunities, my independence, my potential in school have all been stolen from me since the accident. It doesn’t seem fair, and yes I’m actually upset. As unfortunate as that may be, the only thing I can do is keep pushing on. I feel defeated, but I don’t want to be defeated just because I can’t have what I want.

Keep an open heart and an open mind is my best bet on my road to recovery. Whenever I want to punch a doctor in the face, I won’t. Whenever I want to cuss out my mom/dad, I won’t. Whenever I want to quit therapy, I won’t… (only because my mom won’t let me). I have to overcome bitterness before making progress. I’m not concentrating on something that can’t break; I’m concentrating on just getting well. So peace, farewell, and much love to Break.

Let's Be Real

One thing’s for sure, I’m no faker and a genuinely real & honest person, and that hasn’t changed since July 12. I don’t want to say that I’m “bitter” but it’s something along those lines. How is something I don’t remember supposed to change me? I have no recollection of before the crash, during the crash, and I hardly remember anything during my stay at the hospital. So no, I’m not a “new person” after this. Nothing’s changed for me, except the fact that I have no independence. To be honest, it sucks to have my parents have to drive me everywhere and rely on them for everything. And both my siblings are in college, so they can’t drive me anywhere. It feels like this whole thing had to happen at the worst time. Before the crash, I drove everywhere: school, the mall, friends’ houses, babysitting, etc. I could just go about my day like a normal teenager would do. But now things have changed. My mom works on the weekends, my dad doesn’t live with me, my siblings aren’t here, and I live in the absolute middle of nowhere. A friend of mine said to me: “I would come pick you up, but I just don’t have enough gas money." None of my friends are actually willing to drive thirty minutes to get me and then thirty minutes back into town. So it’s my dog and I watching TV all day. What a life, right?

It kinda actually sucks that this was my summer. I was looking forward to summer, but nope, I had to ruin that opportunity. Quite honestly, this whole thing has taken me away from everything: my friends, my high school potential, the opportunities I had (like getting a job during senior year), and most importantly my independence. What almost-18 year old wants to rely on their parents for everything? So this recovery process is no walk in the park. It brings frustration, and I can’t help but think “this is so unfair that this had to happen to me; this wasn’t supposed to happen.” It’s brought nothing but bad to my life. My Dad told me yesterday, “You have to remember that this was your fault, and you cannot hold anyone else responsible.” Of course I know that, but am I supposed to be punished for something that 1) was an accident and 2) I almost died for? And I don’t want to carry around some stinky feeling of regret for something that I never wanted to happen. It may have been my fault (I can’t remember), but it was never something I wanted to happen, never.

I should be thankful to be alive, and indeed I am. It’s just hard to keep a thought like that when I just can’t remember. The fact that I know that it happened is something to be thankful for, but if I could actually remember, then maybe that feeling would be more apparent to me. I’m still the same-old Olivia that I was before. People expect me to do great things with my life; my mom really thinks so. But nothing’s changed, and I’m still not-that-great of a person, so when people say that it’s just unneeded pressure on me. I’m thankful for the visitors that came to see me in the hospital and their prayers, although I only remember just a few of them. Maybe in time, a long time, I’ll feel more content with this experience. I guess at least I have something to write about for my college essay!

Pictures from July 2011

My poor baby :( I loved this thing to pieces; what a shame. I got this '03 Ford Explorer in May 2010, and when I crashed the vehicle had about 117,000 miles on it. It's been with me to VA Beach, Chappel Hill, Kiawah Island (twice), Alexandria, and other great memories were held in this car. It should have lasted me through college, but it didn't. At least it was insured! Oh yeah, and I have absoltely no clue how I managed to hit a tree on the side of the car.

The driver's chair, which was where I was. Most of my damage was done to my left side: bloody shoulder and a seperated shoulder (which never ceases to still bother me).

This was the very beginning of my stay at the hospital. I needed feeding tubes down my throat and up my nose; not to mention, lots of IVs in my arm. I stayed in the ICU for a week before moving to the rehab floor.

This picture may be rough, but hey I just almost DIED.. I wasn't about to try and look good. This neckbrace had to be worn for the first week. And I still have that neckbrace.. but i choose not to wear it, considering there's vomit on it.

I was happy to get that darn neckbrace off!

My sister (Chrissy) and I just love to be goofy. This was the morning of leaving the hospital!

An Update

Yesterday marked 4 weeks since my accident. I’m sure most of you are curious to know about my road to recovery, so I’m here to give you all an update.

The past few days have been full of doctor appointments and therapies and hanging around the house. Monday I had to wake up bright and early for a 9 am speech therapy appointment. Straight after that was a physical therapy appointment. During physical therapy, my left shoulder was taped up for support. Soon enough, I’ll be getting a sling.

On Tuesday, I went over to The Home Depot to purchase paint samples with my mom. We’ll hopefully be painting my room sooner than later. I then had a doctor appointment at 4:15, which unfortunately required me to get a shot and a finger prick. While I’m freaking out about getting the shot, I then learn that I received two shots in the stomach each day when I was in the hospital (which I remember none of that).
Now today is Wednesday. I slept for twelve hours last night without waking up, which is definitely a change since leaving the hospital. This afternoon I did laundry, which actually came from my suitcase that I had yet to unpack from the beach when I went July 2-9. Since I was in the hospital right after that, I never had any time to even unpack! I also went to Starbucks with my sister to use their Internet. Then we went on over to Wal-Mart where I purchased paint brushes and a puzzle.

I learned that my grandma from Arkansas will be flying in tomorrow to see me. I also learned that my cousins and aunt and uncle (a family of 7) will be driving up from North Carolina to see me next week. I’m excited to have family visitors and I know it’ll be great.

The most frequent question that I’m asked is: how are you? Well I’m doing okay. I get better and make improvements each day, like showering without help, being able to walk down the steps without holding onto the railing, and being able to sleep well. Those things bring joy to my life, but there are also frustrations that come with the healing process. My shoulder still hurts. My shoulder has ugly scars and scabs from the accident. I can’t go places for very long because I just get tired and need to sit down. School can’t be possible right now, and I still am not sure what’s going to happen with that. It worries me because I’m a senior now; I need to get into college. Hopefully I’ll be able to pass my classes. I pray and hope that I’ll have the strength to make it through a full school day.

Pictures of my car right after the accident will be coming soon! :) I’m excited to share.

I'm Here

First off, I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. But I’m here, and I’ll try to keep up on my blog regularly!

July 12, 2011. A Tuesday, 2:00pm. I am casually driving home from a hair appointment. I honestly don’t remember anything from that day, except walking into Wal-Mart with Teresa and buying vitamins. I dropped Teresa off at her house and made my way back to my house. I made it within one mile of my house. Unfortunately, I struck a tree that almost took my life. I was in bad shape and needed to be Medevaced to trauma at MCV hospital. I had severe internal bleeding(my brain and spleen). The doctors told my family that they didn’t know if I would even wake up or if I would have brain impairment, and they also expected me to be in the hospital for two months.

But sure enough, I woke up the next day and I was able to leave the hospital in two weeks. My days were filled with therapies and visitors that came to share their love with me. I’ve heard silly stories of what I was like when I was waking up, but I honestly just can’t remember any of it. Apparently the first few days, I thought I was in Texarkana, Arkansas (where my grandparents live) and I went to Rockville High School (which in fact, I go to Deep Run High School).But hey, at least I was alive and could speak!

Now that it’s a few weeks after the accident, I am slowly but surely improving each and every day. Most of my days are filled with doctor appointments and sitting on the couch taking it easy. And I actually have therapy three times a week, so that takes up some of my time. Now that I am car-less and license-less, I pretty much can’t do anything because I live extremely far from civilization and no one really wants to give me rides. However, at least I’ve got parents and siblings that are (sometimes) willing to drive me places. I still have short-term and long-term memory problems, but nothing therapy won’t help. My stamina is hardly as good as it used to be. My left shoulder is still out of joint, which does hurt, but the only thing that’ll fix it is surgery or time. I chose the time option, ‘cause I don’t want to be cooped up in a hospital bed any longer.

New note: I’m seventeen and I just totaled my first car, um that sucks. Before the accident, I had looked so down upon those sixteen/seventeen year olds that total their cars. And now I’m one of those. It’s actually a bit embarrassing. I sometimes wish I could remember what had happened, because I just want an explanation, I want to know if it was my fault, I want to know what caused me to swerve into that tree. But no one has those answers and that’s okay, so I’ll just wonder about the accident for the rest my life. People say it’s good that I don’t remember, but I still want to.

Final note: I am blessed to have so many people that love me. I am blessed for all the prayers that have been said. I am blessed to be here. I am blessed to be alive.